After The Weigh In

As of last Friday, I weigh 569 pounds. I have lost 4 pounds this week, and 11 pounds since my first post. My goal for this week is 11 pounds.

I'm sorry I've neglected blogging lately. I have no excuses. I guess I'm a little unenthusiastic because I'm not completely sure anybody really reads these things anyway. I shouldn't be seeking anybody's approval but my own, but it would be nice to recieve some feedback. At any rate, the blogging continues.

I'm into my third week now. I think overall, my previous week went well. It has been a long time since I've gone to the gym two weeks in a row on a consistent basis, and when I finish this week, three weeks in a row will be unheard of. I have lost more weight during the holiday season than most people gain. I am happy, but I still feel like I'm either avoiding something obvious or like what I've done isn't that special at all. As usual, I'm downplaying my accomplishments when they should be making me ecstatic.

The description of this blog says that I'm looking for a change in my identity. I don't mean I'm trying to change my name, I'm trying to change how I view myself and how I use this personal view to relate to the world. I want to become the kind of person who is not held back by his own limiting beliefs. I'm tired of being the person who says, "I don't deserve this. I can't do that." These two thoughts are pretty much the basis for everything wrong in my life. I think the most crippling of my mental restraints is overwhelming fear. I am scared all the time. For the past two or three years, I've been scared to leave the house, or get a job. I'm scared of success and the responsibility it brings. I'm frightened that if I lose all the weight I need that I'll gain it back. I'm scared to go to public places like restaurants or movies because I feel like everybody is looking at me. I know kids take pictures of me behind my back. I think fear is the root cause of most of my own self defeating issues.

I feel really alone right now, but I need to press on anyway. I don't have that much time to lose the weight I want. I want to wear a suit to my brother's wedding. In less than six months, no matter what, I'm going to have to decide where my suit comes from. There are two stores. One is King Size Direct, and the other is Casual Male. The nicer suits are at Casual Male. They're also the smaller sizes. I want my suit from Casual Male. I see it in a nice dark blue, or medium grey. It is tailored perfectly. I have the biggest smile on my face as I help my brother out on his wedding day. This is what I want, and I can't  stop until I get it. I will be satisfied with nothing less that complete success.