Principles.

I fell off the wagon today. I'm a grazing eater, and I tend to eat late at night. So, after staying up past my bedtime, I found myself eating a sandwich. That was followed by grazing on a bunch of crappy food. Normally, you could tell a person like me to just stop buying the food I ate today, but unfortunately not having a car or my own place  means I'm faced with the temptations of whatever my mom decides to buy. The sandwich and soda were bad enough, but what's most upsetting is that this could have all been avoided if I had taken the time to plan my meals out for the week, develop a shopping list and given it to my mom.

You know, I really hate writing posts like this. But, they probably won't stop coming until I make a list of principles and habits I want to develop, and then start taking the actions to develop them. I really don't have anything useful to say today. I can only hope to make tomorrow better.

Update: I also have been slacking on my food log. That probably played a huge part in my failure today. I'm still resistant to the idea of blogging my food log.

Auditions Start Today - For the BL12 Hopefuls

The casting team for the Biggest Loser season 12 are busy today searching among countless thousands of hopefuls trying to get noticed for a chance to be on the show.  I don't envy the casting directors. They must have an incredibly difficult job. Right now, I can't try out for the show because if I did make it, it would run into my brother's wedding, which I won't miss for the world. For now, I will cheer my friend Courtney (Go Aqua!) from my couch and be content with the brief airtime I had in last season's premiere.

At least I'm not the only one wearing pink.

What an opportunity this could have been! "Bobby was in a cameo on Season 10! He's now a contestant for Season 12!" Oh well. There's a reason for everything, and to be honest, I don't want to go back in front of the producers without something in my life being drastically different. I mentioned previously that I had tried out for season 8. The whole experience took me all the way to LA. I didn't make the cast, but I wasn't ready to go anyway. Any BL12 Hopeful is probably going to want to kill me when I say that I tried out totally on a "Yeah, let's try it out and see what happens" vibe. But honestly, I think that was part of the key to making it as far as I did. I never really expected to make it. To be honest, I don't even think I wanted it as bad as the ones who did make it. I saw it as an adventure, and I knew that if I did get rejected, I'd at least have this amazing experience to talk about once my confidentiality agreement was up. Tragically, I lost all my photos from that experience in a computer crash. I have a few tickets and some papers that prove I was totally there. Such is life.

I'm praying for those trying out. I hope that you remember that your audition experience should be as fun as possible. Bring coats and gloves and your own seating, because if you're at a live audition, the wait is usually horrendous. I stood in line in freezing temperatures for six hours without gloves or seating. Now, my hands cramp up in cold weather. If you're trying out at a live audition or submitting a tape, my advice is the same. Talk to the camera or the casting director like they were your best friend. Tell them everything. Don't ever leave that table or submit a tape thinking that you left something out. Finally, accept that getting rejected is part of the process. Don't expect to be rejected. Visualize success. But, if it happens, don't take it personally. There's always next season.

One more thing: I never auditioned for  Biggest Loser thinking it was a magic pill that would cure me of my obesity. Ultimately, we all have to decide what we really want and go for it. I knew the entire time that if I wanted to lose the weight, only I could take the action to make it happen. My biggest regret is waiting this long to start. I'm 40 pounds away from losing 10% of my original body weight. The other day, I cried to myself because I was finally able to look in the full length mirror that hangs on my door and be proud of the person I saw there. My journey has only just begun and I know I'll stumble, but I'm not going to stop moving. This audition process is a step in your life change. Don't stop no matter what happens. Keep going until you get exactly what you want.

Good luck!

Weigh-in Day

 

When you're over 400 pounds, getting weighed can be a hassle. In my case, I require this digital scale:

This laptop

and my trainer, Johnny. I forgot to take his picture. Sorry, Johnny.

If all of these elements are not together, I can't get weighed accurately. Usually, Johnny is gone if I arrive at the gym too late, and I miss my opportunity. It would be nice to be able to step on a scale, and weigh myself, but that is not yet a possibility. It's just another thing on my list of things to look forward to.

Here's my weight as of Friday, Jan 21, 2011

562! Down four pounds since my last weigh in. I know it should be way more, and I'm not really sure what caused the weight loss other than my increase in intensity during my weight training. I've noticed while keeping my food log that it's actually pretty hard to hit my current Basal Metabolic Rate. I really think when a person gets as obese as me, their body does everything it can to lose the weight and get healthier. My body moves less efficiently than a healthy person, so I burn many more calories. My BMR is high, so unless I eat a lot of calorie rich foods, I'm usually in a caloric deficit. All I have to do is keep moving, and the weight starts coming off.

I still don't know if I should be upset that the number is so little, or happy that I haven't gained anything like I originally thought. Most people do gain weight over the holiday season, and so far, I'm almost 20 pounds lighter than when I started taking this goal seriously. That is something worth celebrating! I will enjoy this small victory, even though I know it could have been better.

Weigh Day Tomorrow

So, tomorrow is the first weigh in since last year. I'm not expecting a good outcome. I'm hoping it's not a terrible gain, but I'm not expecting to be happy. It's important that I go tomorrow because I need to know the truth. Living in ignorance doesn't help anybody. It's important that I use whatever the bad news is to refocus myself towards my goal. I keep putting off planning my meals. My exercise schedule has been, to put it nicely, erratic. I'm not going to bed at the time I said I would, and I really think it's time I cranked up the intensity on some of the exercise machines.

Maybe I'm just beating myself up for nothing. It's hard to tell right now. I know I need to focus more on my diet and get back into a regular workout routine. Honestly, I'm letting my world control me rather than sticking to my standards. Old habits die hard.

Right Action

A couple years ago, I read a book by Neil Strauss called, The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pickup Artists.  This may sound like an excuse, but I wasn't reading it to meet women, but to learn to be more confident about talking to people in general. I don't have any problems with meeting women. The problem for me is the auto-destruct button I start pressing in my brain that tells the girl that I should be 'friendzone'd' immediately. This has a lot to do with self confidence issues that sprout from struggling to love myself.

That is a different blog post for another time.

In the book, one group in particular is painted as the 'bad guys'. I'm frankly too lazy to summarize what happens, but you should read it. The name of this company is "Real Social Dynamics" lead by one Owen aka TylerDurden. Being the fair minded person that I am, I decided to look this group up. They are very real! After watching and reading some of the material on their website, I soon realized that their method not only worked for pick up, but for every aspect of a person seeking a successful life. As I suspected when I first picked up Neil's book, everything I needed to be successful with with women, losing weight and other goals all came from the same place. To this day, Tyler is easily one of my favorite 'gurus'. He's one of the best motivational speakers I've ever listened to, and I don't hear many people talking about him because they only think of him as a pickup artist.

I want to share this small clip with you. Unfortunately, embedding is disabled for this video. Please watch it here and come back! It has some NSFW language.

I believe that speech is from RSD Blueprint. I enjoy it because it really helped me tackle a lot of the bad thinking that I had before I really committed to losing weight. Truthfully, I have lived my life in fear of everything. I don't drive a car because I'm afraid of crashing. I don't move out of my house because I'm afraid of being alone. I don't have anything hanging on my walls because I can't decide if it's better to 'spruce up' where I am now, or invest in moving out. I didn't change my degree because I was afraid of taking a risk with something new. I chose to stay locked up in my room, tuning everyone out because I felt it would take too long to lose the weight and it helped me ignore my situation rather than take the actions to become independent. Now, I'm almost 30. I can't get anywhere without my parents or friends driving me. I live in a house surrounded by people I frankly don't like. My room feels more like a cell than a place to relax and I don't have a degree or even a very good GPA because I keep trying to major in something I don't enjoy. I have constant recurring nightmares of my parents dying and suddenly being stuck as I am completely dependent on other people without the people I depend on. When I started this blog, I was the fattest I had ever been at 580 pounds.

After listening to Tyler, I began to realize that I had spent more time scared of what I needed to do to lose weight than the time it would actually take to do it. An entire decade has just gone in the blink of an eye, and I have almost nothing to show for it.

As Tyler said, it's about doing what's necessary no matter how I feel about it. I have to go to the gym and practice driving a car and start getting the things I need to move out because it's the right thing to do. If I don't, my recurring nightmare could become a reality. That being said, fear of failure is not my motivation. In fact, fear of failure is what kept me back. No, I am going to the gym daily because even if I don't lose a pound at the end of the week, I'm filled with joy because I know I've done my best and I can look in the mirror and see a person I like. I am slowly becoming somebody who does things in spite of how I feel. Now, when I fall, I don't spend as much time wallowing in my failure. Eventually, I won't be bound by my fears but strengthened by them. When that finally happens, nothing will be able to hold me back from accomplishing my goals.

Angry about something? Focus on what you're thankful for!

I don't want to have two negative posts in a row, but that's just how it is.
I'm just feeling really stifled and upset right now. Stifled because every time I try and write a post, I end up talking about my personal and family life in ways which I feel I should probably keep private. I don't want to upset anybody unnecessarily, but I'm just really frustrated about certain people right now. I'm not eating right. I'm staying up late, and while I do have some positive things to talk about like getting a girl's number at the gym on Monday or lifting more weight than I ever have before or breezing through the extra fifteen minutes I added to my cardio training, I'm still upset. The anger probably fueled my success at the gym, but it's destroying everything else. I want to let it go. The only thing I can think to do is start listing things I'm grateful for right now.

• Roof over my head
• Parents who are still married after almost 34 years.
• An awesome younger brother
• A best friend who is smarter than me and fun to talk to.
• Her name is Julia Roberts. No, seriously. No relation to the celebrity though.
• A five year old cousin who's energy is something to marvel at. He seriously does laps and squats while eating meals. Probably has ADHD, but it's still fun to watch.
• My readers! Now in the double digits.
• My 80+ fans on my Facebook fan page! (PLEASE LIKE AND SHARE!)
• My singing voice.
• The knowledge that I'm not alone in my struggle, no matter how bad things get.
• The inspiration I get from people I know succeeding in their weight loss journeys
• The epiphany that I have spent more time whining about how long it will take to lose the weight rather than actually doing something about it.
• Living within walking distance of my gym! I'm not where I can walk to and from for a workout yet, but I can't wait until I AM!
• I still have both of my feet!
• I have both of my arms too!
• I am incredibly attractive! Seriously! Look at my pic! Damn! SO HOT!
• the endless Mercy of a loving God! (I know, that should have been first. That's why I chose bullet points and not numbers!)
• The day I impulsively decided to try out for Biggest Loser season 8. It's been an incredible adventure with so many amazing people!
• Friends who stick by me in spite of my BS
• The low price of membership at my university gym!
• My awesome personal trainer, Johnny!
• The people who come up and talk to me while I'm working out! SO AWESOME!
• Slowly realizing I really DO feel awesome after an exercise and should TOTALLY DO MORE!

Wow, okay, that did help a little bit! I do feel better after writing what I'm grateful for. I think I learned about that from watching 'The Secret' or some other motivational book, but that really did help!
If you're upset or scared or worried about something, go grab a sheet of paper or write on your blog a list of all the things you're thankful for!

2 Weeks Off The Wagon

I really did try after my last post. And for the most part I was successful. I got very ill all of a sudden come Tuesday, and since then, my stomach and sinuses have been working against me.

What is it about being sick that makes you want to eat complete crap? I think that's why some 'bad for you' foods are called 'comfort foods.

Anyway, once Wednesday hit, I spent the Christmas holiday naseous and miserable. It started with chills and I had a temperature spike very briefly. I didn't exercise for the rest of that week, and then, once I wasn't naseous from the stomach flu, I had chest congestion and bad sinus headaches. The gym was closed by then, but this past week, I could have gone if I wanted. I missed yesterday's weigh in. I'm very disappointed in myself.

If you are now, or ever have been morbidly obese like me, then you know that starting out on this weight loss journey after a few weeks of exercising regularly, that the first thing you really enjoy is looking in the mirror and liking who you see. I hadn't realized it before, but I truly have been miserable. I couldn't love myself, but as the year was ending, I caught a glimpse in the full length mirror in my room, and I realized that I was smiling. I liked who I saw in the mirror. He was still fat, but he looked like he had a future. Since I stopped exercising, I'm starting to feel angry and depressed, and I don't want to feel this way ever again. I'm going to get back on the wagon starting today.