06 April, 2011

Losing Weight Requires Honesty

I haven't been posting because honestly, I have nothing to report. Everything has been at a dead stop for weeks now. No weight loss, some weight gain, and it's just been frustrating. I hate posting things that are negative, so I haven't been posting at all. It's time I just sit down and examine how things have gone wrong.

First, I haven't been doing my cardio like I should. I always do weight lifting, and almost always skip the cardio, which is absolutely vital to losing weight. Cardio sucks. I hate it so much. The days I do actually get it done, I stare at the track for half an hour trying to get myself to stand up and walk because I hate it. Girls probably think I'm staring at them walking on the treadmill being creepy. Nope. Just thinking about how much I'll totally hate the next 30-45 minutes.

Second, is the diet. Which I have been seriously slacking on. I was snacking at night, staying up late and eating delicious salty carbs before I went to bed. Altogether, an easy formula to keep a plateau going.

To remedy the diet part, I've been tweeting my food log. You can follow it at #bbfoodlog. Please do not USE the hashtag. I need it to sort out my calories at the end of the day.

For the cardio, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and get it done. I'll need to figure out how to train a new mindset so that I can at least try and enjoy it as much as I enjoy weight lifting, and I need to commit to it every day.

Speaking of commitments, I'm also going to start writing here at least two times a week. I know all of you who read this blog want to know what's going on, and it's been unfair that I haven't been keeping you in the loop. I promise to change that. As a negative reinforcement, If I don't make at least two posts per week, I will film myself singing karaoke and then post that. If I forget this promise, please remind me.

The big thing I'm learning about this journey is that it is mostly an internal battle more than an external one. You constantly have to examine yourself, be honest and then fix whatever might be wrong. That is hard for anybody to do. It's no wonder that so many people, including myself, struggle with losing weight.

24 March, 2011

Carrot-Pineapple Smoothie

 Writing a pretty self-reflective post. I'll put that up soon. I've been doing well on my diet this week. I'm pretty proud of myself. Lately, the idea of getting vegetables into breakfast has been bothering me. I decided to try this carrot and pineapple smoothie based off this recipe from RealSimple.com.

I skipped the ice, added some yogurt and a bit more orange juice. I'll figure out the nutrition info later.

The fun-straw is a lie. You can't drink this smoothie with that thing. 
 Carrot-Pineapple Smoothie
1 banana
3/4 cup frozen pineapple
2/3 cup orange juice
1/2 cup plain, organic, non-fat greek yogurt
2 oz chopped carrot

Add all ingredients into blender. Blend until mixed. Pour into a tall glass. Enjoy.

17 March, 2011

Blanching Broccoli

It's St. Patrick's day, so let's make something green. We're going to blanch some broccoli!

I actually love cooking, and don't know why I haven't posted more about it. Maybe it's because it would have me writing more about my food addiction which keeps me overweight. Or, I'm afraid of having to talk about my inability to keep a consistent food log. I really do not have a good relationship with food. I know what I need to get healthy, but lately, I've been having trouble actually doing what is necessary. What does any of this have to do with blanching broccoli? Well, usually at about two weeks, the vegetables have gone bad, and I have no fresh spinach because I've discarded it, and no broccoli for the same reason. My lack of a meal plan is the death of my vegetables. I've decided to do something about that. Blanching and freezing is a fantastic preservation method. Plus, it makes the food easy to prepare on a moment's notice. If I don't like what mom's cooking, I can pull out a pan, a bit of olive oil, salt and pepper, and make some very delicious broccoli rather quickly.

For the sake of this post, and because I was skeptical of the supermarket food scale, I weighed my broccoli first.
This is obviously more than two pounds. This turned out to be a blessing because I actually ruined about six ounces of broccoli when I tried seasoning it with some pepper from the container of ground black pepper. I really need to get some fresh peppercorns for the grinder so it doesn't happen again.
Hardware: Knife, cutting board, steamer basket, broccoli.
Step 1: Set water to boil. Cut up your broccoli how you like it.
When I got home, I realized that the broccoli we bought had an unusually short stalk. If you have a longer stalk on your broccoli, it's perfectly edible. Just peel it, cut it up, and add it to the florets. It's a little extra work, so if you don't feel like it, just add it to your compost bin. Or, if you live in my house, toss it.
The water's boiling!
Put the steamer basket in filled with broccoli. Cover with a lid. Let it steam for 5 minutes.
Take out steamer basket carefully. Try not to burn yourself as I someday will. Put the broccoli in an ice-water bath for 3 minutes to stop the residual heat from overcooking the broccoli. Look how much greener it is compared to when it was uncooked!
Drain your broccoli well.
Store in a plastic bag and mark it with contents and date. I sucked the air out of this bag with a straw. Air is the enemy of all food, especially wet frozen food.
I like to heat it up in a pan over medium heat with 2 tsp olive oil, a bit of salt and pepper. I actually like a little carmelization to occur. It's probably the best broccoli I've ever had.      

Tomorrow's a weigh in. I'm not looking forward to it. Here's to better times soon. Happy St. Patrick's day!

08 March, 2011

Shopping For Groceries

Hey everyone, thanks for stopping by. I know it's been forever since I posted something worth reading on here. A month is forever in blog land. February was a pretty crap month for me. Two weeks was spent trapped in the house from a blizzard and the university gym being closed due to cold weather, and the other two weeks were spent in a crippling depression spell! Yay! Of course, exercising at home could have helped, but I failed to take action and have gained back four pounds! 566! Let's stay on the positive side. At least it's not 580 pounds.

We finally went shopping for groceries for the month. I figured it would make a good blog post that would lead into meal planning and maybe future recipe posts.

A little about my diet first: The diet plan I'm using to create my meal plan is based off of the Abs Diet promoted by Men's Health magazine, with a little bit of planning from reshapethenation.com thrown in. With the Abs Diet, you focus on getting a lot of good clean foods into three meals and three snacks throughout the day. The advantage to this is that if you focus on getting the core foods they recommend into your diet, the calories and nutrition take care of themselves with very little monitoring. The disadvantage for me is that while I love the whole grain breads, cereals, lean meats and dairy products Abs Diet lets me eat, I don't eat as many vegetables as I should because I still have a love/hate thing with them.  This is where Reshape the Nation comes in. They recommend five meals, and have designated hi carb/lo carb days. On low carb days, you eat LOTS of vegetables. The diet uses a carb cycling plan that is meant to keep the metabolism going and you losing weight. They make it super easy by giving you a full meal plan and a grocery list, but to be honest, I think the recipes they recommend suck. I hate cottage cheese and hard boiled eggs. Gross. Mrs. Dash is NOT going to make any of that better. However, I do like planning my meals based on their carb cycling plan. I'll talk about my meal plan in another post.

Let's go shopping!

20 February, 2011

Food Log 2/20/2011

  • Pot roast sandwich
    • leftover potroast
    • enriched, white flour, hamburger bun
    • mustard
    • mayo
    • cheese
    • multi-grain chips
    • diet Dr. Pepper
  • Breakfast tacos
    • 2 eggs, scrambled, butter and almond milk
    • 2 slices of bacon, oven baked
    • 2 whole wheat tortillas
    • hot sauce
    • 1 oz cheese
    • 8 oz orange juice
  •  pot roast sandwich
    • same ingredients as midnight snack, minus the mayo
    • add fritos instead of chips
    • Diet Sierra Mist
  • Cold Stone:
    • Raspberry Sorbet
    • white chocolate chips
    • love it size. Ate half the waffle cone.
  • Dinner: Jersey Mike's subs
    • roast beef sub w/ peppers
    • Sun Chips
    • Sierra Mist

19 February, 2011

Food Log 2/19/2011

  • Breakfast: Peanut Butter Oatmeal
    • 1 bowl Quaker Old-fashioned oatmeal
    • 3 TBSP Smucker's All Natural peanut butter
    • 2 TBSP Agave syrup
    • 1 banana, sliced
    • 1/2 liter of water to drink
  • Snack 1: A Pear and a handful of almonds
    • 1 large bartlett pear
    • 14 almonds
  • Dinner: Roast beef sandwich
    • approx 3 oz sliced pot roast
    • 1 oz cheese
    • 2 slices bread from panera
    • mustard
    • 1 oz approx multigrain chips
    • 1Diet Dr. Pepper

    18 February, 2011

    Food log 2/18/2011

    • Breakfast: breakfast tacos
      • 3 eggs, scrambled in 1 tsp olive oil
      • 2 slices of bacon, oven baked on a cooling rack above a pan
      • 2 whole grain tortillas
      • hot sauce and pepper to taste
    • Snack 1.: a handful of almonds
    • Lunch: Turkey sandwich
      • six slices of deli sliced turkey
      • small amount of mayonnaise
      • salad greens from a bag
      • hot sauce
      • 2 slices multi-grain bread
    • Snack 2: leftover fajita
      • 1 flour tortilla
      • leftover grilled chicken, onions and green pepper, reheated in microwave
      • dab of sour cream 
    • Dinner: KFC Grilled chicken dinner
      • 2 pieces of grilled chicken, skin on. 1 breast, 1 thigh
      • approx 2 oz mac & cheese
      • approx 3 oz green beans
      • 1 biscuit, dry
    • Snack 3:
      • 1 Chobani Strawberry Yogurt

    17 February, 2011

    Food Log 2/17/2011

    • Breakfast: Blueberry/Pineapple smoothie
      • 1 cup blueberries/pineapple
      • 6 oz Chobani blueberry greek yogurt
      • 1/2 cup almond milk
      • 1 frozen banana
    • Lunch: Fajitas
      • 2 whole wheat tortillas
      • 4-5 oz pre-cooked grilled chicken. approx
      • green pepper
      • onion
      • 2 tsp sour cream
    • Dinner: sausage and potatoes.*
      • 2 flour tortillas
      • pan cooked potatoes
      • sausage
      • onion
      • some green pepper
      • steamed broccoli about 1 cup.
    • Misc. snacks throughout the day
      •  white chocolate pretzels with sprinkles by the computer desk. Grazing eating. Wasn't thinking. Didn't count. :(
      • but I knew full well about the 3 Ferrero-Rocher candies I ate and that they were costing me 220 calories.
    Tomorrow is a new day. Also weigh in.


    I've had a hard time writing lately. Mainly because what I'm about to talk about, I don't want to admit. There's also this unnecessary pressure I feel to not put out the negative energy I'm probably going to with this post. However, I have to remember that ultimately this blog is for me, not you. I have to be honest with myself or else I'm going to keep making the progress I deserve.
    Since the winter storm hit in Oklahoma several weeks ago, I've not been working out, keeping track of my diet or doing what's ultimately necessary to get the results I want. At first, it came from the challenge of being at home and making excuses for myself on why I couldn't exercise or eat right for one reason or another. While there was plenty of processed sweets and canned meats in the pantry to blame, ultimately I'm the person who chose to put them in my mouth. As the week progressed, I knew I had been making the wrong choices, but I continued on in this fashion. When the storm's effect had finally lifted to the point where I could go to the gym again, another two weeks, I had found that my motivation to go had suddenly dried up. At first, I thought it would be kindled by seeing my friend, LaRhonda at her big reveal. I got to talk to Chris Powell, host of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, after the taping.

    I told Chris all my plans. What was going right and wrong. I told him that lately I had been struggling. He told me that the habits I was trying to develop needed to be developed slowly. That I was trying to do too much too soon. I told him that all I wanted to do was develop three habits: 1 Go to bed at 10, 2.Be ready to go to the gym by 7 AM. 3.Go to the gym 2 hours daily. Chris told me that since I was struggling with developing these habits, I should focus on one goal at a time. He said good habits have to be built up like any muscle. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I guess I felt like three habits were just fine to start with, but maybe I was trying to swing a 75 pound dumbbell around without even knowing it.
    Still in a funk the next day. Didn't work out. Still ate the wrong things.
    I looked in the mirror and I had to ask myself what was wrong. At the time, I didn't have an answer, and then it finally creeped up on me after a nice long nap. I must be depressed. I had gotten back to staying in my room and sleeping all day. I was lethargic and angry/sad all the time. I was having a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. Honestly, I probably didn't notice it because it had been my natural state for so long that it felt familiar. Then, last night, I got to talk to another hero of mine. Scott Smith, Chief Motivating Officer at Motivationtomove.com

    Scott Smith, for those who don't know, has the number one fitness podcast in the world. He had a very matter of fact moment with me during a live call in session he was having. I had told him about my current situation. I was depressed, I hadn't been eating right or exercising, etc. Scott basically told me that reaching my goal of getting under 500 by June was not reachable. He told me this to relieve me of the pressure I was putting on myself. Frankly, I think he's wrong. Maybe accepting that I can't reach 60 pounds in the next few months would take the pressure off, but it still wouldn't make him right. I know what the problem is. I know that I haven't been taking my diet all that seriously. I graze and eat late at night. I eat processed, sodium filled pre-fried foods. I choose not to work out on days when I'd just be on the treadmill. Then I weigh myself and I'm happy with a three pound loss. I have not been bringing my A game. But Scott did tell me something which did strike a chord. He told me that I wasn't doing this for my brother's wedding. I was doing this to save my own life. I know that. I've always known that. It's just that it's hard to face. THAT is the kind of pressure I don't want to deal with. I have to focus on the small goal ahead of me.

    Along the inside of the indoor track at my gym, there are pillars. When I walk along the track, and I start to get fatigued, I tell myself that I only need to make it back around to the pillar I started. As long as I keep my eye on it. Picture myself finishing strong, I always make it. If I'm distracted and start thinking about how much pain I'm in. How my legs fall asleep when I'm walking because of poor circulation. I fail. I can't think about my own death. I need to just focus on my pillar. Sam's wedding. I can make it. If not 60 pounds, then 40. My first ten percent.

    I'm still depressed, but I think the only person who can do anything about it right now is me. I'm going to take my St. John's Wart and Fish oil. I'm going to weigh myself at the gym, and I'm going to start over. I've had an unusual week where I got to talk to several of my heroes. I celebrated my parent's 32nd anniversary. I've been filled with anxiety and guilt for a lot of that time. I'm choosing to focus on my future and how bright it can be. What I can't control, I have to surrender. But now is the time to pick myself off the floor and start moving again. It would just be nice to feel like I'm not doing it all by myself for once.

    10 February, 2011

    Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition Reveal Party

    Tonight, I'm going to a taping of ABC's new show, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. It's going to be LaRhonda's big reveal!

    Before picture, obviously.

    I'm really excited for this show! It's going to be revolutionary! Unfortunately I'm under contractual obligation to not talk too much about my involvement with it. I can however promote the hell out of it.

    I'll probably have to sign a release at tonight's taping. I'll post pictures if I can. If not, you'll just have to wait until the show airs to see what I saw. :P

    Be sure to check out Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition sometime this spring. I'll post dates once they're announced. Check out and LIKE their Facebook fan page HERE.

    28 January, 2011

    Weigh-in - Plateau! OH NO!

     I didn't have to take a new picture.
     I'm still 562! That sucks! And after all that halfassery this week and showing up at the gym only two times! GAWD IT'S LIKE I NEED TO PUT EFFORT INTO LOSING WEIGHT OR SOMETHING! JEEZ!

    Playtime's over.

    I'm thinking a lot of thoughts right now, so I guess I'll just run them off and see if that gets me refocused. First, this is the first plateau I've witnessed. Considering the erratic frequency of my past weigh-ins, it's probably safe to say this isn't my first. I've just been losing weight because I've been naturally increasing the intensity of my workouts over the past several months. Second, this plateau couldn't have come at a better time. It's at the end of the month, and next week, I start adding another 15 minutes to my interval walk. The extra 15 minutes on the treadmill should really get things going again. At least, I hope that's the case. Our bodies are funny like that. I am a little worried however because in the past, a plateau has been devastating to my motivation. I need to reach out for support from friends, and really do my best to take right action and just show up in spite of feeling like this is a loss for me. The best thing I can do is try and realize that this could have been much worse. I could have gained weight. My goal for next week is to not give up! I can't let this sink me.
    Okay, here's the plan:
    • Reevaluate current workout. Can I be doing anything better? Should I be lifting more weight? Should I be going faster on the treadmill? According to my last calculations, my Target heartrate Hi/Lo was between 146-168 with the sweet spot being about 157-163. Am I focusing too much on the high end, and not making sure that during the slower part of my intervals I'm still no lower than 146?
    • Just show up. I may hate doing cardio, but now that I'm going to be walking for 45 minutes, the treadmill and track are going to start feeling a lot more tedious. I should probably update my iPod playlist with fresh music to keep me motivated. But the important thing is to show up at the gym on days when I'm not lifting weights. The cardio is vital to my weight loss, and it's time I took it seriously.
    • Re-stock the pantry with healthy foods. Create a meal plan for the next two weeks. Considering that I've reached a plateau, a real effort needs to be made to start eating more vegetables and fewer carbs. At least two of my major meals should have a vegetable and I'm thinking at least 1 of my snacks should too. I'm still not giving up my oatmeal for breakfast.
    • Sleep. It's time I commit to lights out at 10PM. I need to get in the habit of sleeping at a regular time because with the extra time added to my workout, I can't go in late at night to work out anymore.
    • Find support. I need to find a friend that can keep me accountable and that I can talk to when feeling down. If I can just get through this week and come out with some weight loss, I'll probably find my motivation again, but right now, I really don't trust myself.
    • Visualize success! I will be 9 pounds lighter next Friday. 553! 553! It's February 4th right now, and I'm on the scale, and I've finally lost a goal I've set for myself! Wow, it feels so good already!
    Okay, I'm mentally ready to make next week better. I just asked on my Facebook page for song suggestions for my February playlist. You can leave a suggestion there or write one here along with your comments, You can also reply to me on twitter @BecomeBoundless.

    25 January, 2011


    I fell off the wagon today. I'm a grazing eater, and I tend to eat late at night. So, after staying up past my bedtime, I found myself eating a sandwich. That was followed by grazing on a bunch of crappy food. Normally, you could tell a person like me to just stop buying the food I ate today, but unfortunately not having a car or my own place  means I'm faced with the temptations of whatever my mom decides to buy. The sandwich and soda were bad enough, but what's most upsetting is that this could have all been avoided if I had taken the time to plan my meals out for the week, develop a shopping list and given it to my mom.

    You know, I really hate writing posts like this. But, they probably won't stop coming until I make a list of principles and habits I want to develop, and then start taking the actions to develop them. I really don't have anything useful to say today. I can only hope to make tomorrow better.

    Update: I also have been slacking on my food log. That probably played a huge part in my failure today. I'm still resistant to the idea of blogging my food log.

    24 January, 2011

    Auditions Start Today - For the BL12 Hopefuls

    The casting team for the Biggest Loser season 12 are busy today searching among countless thousands of hopefuls trying to get noticed for a chance to be on the show.  I don't envy the casting directors. They must have an incredibly difficult job. Right now, I can't try out for the show because if I did make it, it would run into my brother's wedding, which I won't miss for the world. For now, I will cheer my friend Courtney (Go Aqua!) from my couch and be content with the brief airtime I had in last season's premiere.

    At least I'm not the only one wearing pink.

    What an opportunity this could have been! "Bobby was in a cameo on Season 10! He's now a contestant for Season 12!" Oh well. There's a reason for everything, and to be honest, I don't want to go back in front of the producers without something in my life being drastically different. I mentioned previously that I had tried out for season 8. The whole experience took me all the way to LA. I didn't make the cast, but I wasn't ready to go anyway. Any BL12 Hopeful is probably going to want to kill me when I say that I tried out totally on a "Yeah, let's try it out and see what happens" vibe. But honestly, I think that was part of the key to making it as far as I did. I never really expected to make it. To be honest, I don't even think I wanted it as bad as the ones who did make it. I saw it as an adventure, and I knew that if I did get rejected, I'd at least have this amazing experience to talk about once my confidentiality agreement was up. Tragically, I lost all my photos from that experience in a computer crash. I have a few tickets and some papers that prove I was totally there. Such is life.

    I'm praying for those trying out. I hope that you remember that your audition experience should be as fun as possible. Bring coats and gloves and your own seating, because if you're at a live audition, the wait is usually horrendous. I stood in line in freezing temperatures for six hours without gloves or seating. Now, my hands cramp up in cold weather. If you're trying out at a live audition or submitting a tape, my advice is the same. Talk to the camera or the casting director like they were your best friend. Tell them everything. Don't ever leave that table or submit a tape thinking that you left something out. Finally, accept that getting rejected is part of the process. Don't expect to be rejected. Visualize success. But, if it happens, don't take it personally. There's always next season.

    One more thing: I never auditioned for  Biggest Loser thinking it was a magic pill that would cure me of my obesity. Ultimately, we all have to decide what we really want and go for it. I knew the entire time that if I wanted to lose the weight, only I could take the action to make it happen. My biggest regret is waiting this long to start. I'm 40 pounds away from losing 10% of my original body weight. The other day, I cried to myself because I was finally able to look in the full length mirror that hangs on my door and be proud of the person I saw there. My journey has only just begun and I know I'll stumble, but I'm not going to stop moving. This audition process is a step in your life change. Don't stop no matter what happens. Keep going until you get exactly what you want.

    Good luck!

    21 January, 2011

    Weigh-in Day

    When you're over 400 pounds, getting weighed can be a hassle. In my case, I require this digital scale:

    This laptop

    and my trainer, Johnny. I forgot to take his picture. Sorry, Johnny.

    If all of these elements are not together, I can't get weighed accurately. Usually, Johnny is gone if I arrive at the gym too late, and I miss my opportunity. It would be nice to be able to step on a scale, and weigh myself, but that is not yet a possibility. It's just another thing on my list of things to look forward to.

    Here's my weight as of Friday, Jan 21, 2011

    562! Down four pounds since my last weigh in. I know it should be way more, and I'm not really sure what caused the weight loss other than my increase in intensity during my weight training. I've noticed while keeping my food log that it's actually pretty hard to hit my current Basal Metabolic Rate. I really think when a person gets as obese as me, their body does everything it can to lose the weight and get healthier. My body moves less efficiently than a healthy person, so I burn many more calories. My BMR is high, so unless I eat a lot of calorie rich foods, I'm usually in a caloric deficit. All I have to do is keep moving, and the weight starts coming off.

    I still don't know if I should be upset that the number is so little, or happy that I haven't gained anything like I originally thought. Most people do gain weight over the holiday season, and so far, I'm almost 20 pounds lighter than when I started taking this goal seriously. That is something worth celebrating! I will enjoy this small victory, even though I know it could have been better.

    20 January, 2011

    Weigh Day Tomorrow

    So, tomorrow is the first weigh in since last year. I'm not expecting a good outcome. I'm hoping it's not a terrible gain, but I'm not expecting to be happy. It's important that I go tomorrow because I need to know the truth. Living in ignorance doesn't help anybody. It's important that I use whatever the bad news is to refocus myself towards my goal. I keep putting off planning my meals. My exercise schedule has been, to put it nicely, erratic. I'm not going to bed at the time I said I would, and I really think it's time I cranked up the intensity on some of the exercise machines.

    Maybe I'm just beating myself up for nothing. It's hard to tell right now. I know I need to focus more on my diet and get back into a regular workout routine. Honestly, I'm letting my world control me rather than sticking to my standards. Old habits die hard.

    18 January, 2011

    Right Action

    A couple years ago, I read a book by Neil Strauss called, The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society of Pickup Artists.  This may sound like an excuse, but I wasn't reading it to meet women, but to learn to be more confident about talking to people in general. I don't have any problems with meeting women. The problem for me is the auto-destruct button I start pressing in my brain that tells the girl that I should be 'friendzone'd' immediately. This has a lot to do with self confidence issues that sprout from struggling to love myself.

    That is a different blog post for another time.

    In the book, one group in particular is painted as the 'bad guys'. I'm frankly too lazy to summarize what happens, but you should read it. The name of this company is "Real Social Dynamics" lead by one Owen aka TylerDurden. Being the fair minded person that I am, I decided to look this group up. They are very real! After watching and reading some of the material on their website, I soon realized that their method not only worked for pick up, but for every aspect of a person seeking a successful life. As I suspected when I first picked up Neil's book, everything I needed to be successful with with women, losing weight and other goals all came from the same place. To this day, Tyler is easily one of my favorite 'gurus'. He's one of the best motivational speakers I've ever listened to, and I don't hear many people talking about him because they only think of him as a pickup artist.

    I want to share this small clip with you. Unfortunately, embedding is disabled for this video. Please watch it here and come back! It has some NSFW language.

    I believe that speech is from RSD Blueprint. I enjoy it because it really helped me tackle a lot of the bad thinking that I had before I really committed to losing weight. Truthfully, I have lived my life in fear of everything. I don't drive a car because I'm afraid of crashing. I don't move out of my house because I'm afraid of being alone. I don't have anything hanging on my walls because I can't decide if it's better to 'spruce up' where I am now, or invest in moving out. I didn't change my degree because I was afraid of taking a risk with something new. I chose to stay locked up in my room, tuning everyone out because I felt it would take too long to lose the weight and it helped me ignore my situation rather than take the actions to become independent. Now, I'm almost 30. I can't get anywhere without my parents or friends driving me. I live in a house surrounded by people I frankly don't like. My room feels more like a cell than a place to relax and I don't have a degree or even a very good GPA because I keep trying to major in something I don't enjoy. I have constant recurring nightmares of my parents dying and suddenly being stuck as I am completely dependent on other people without the people I depend on. When I started this blog, I was the fattest I had ever been at 580 pounds.

    After listening to Tyler, I began to realize that I had spent more time scared of what I needed to do to lose weight than the time it would actually take to do it. An entire decade has just gone in the blink of an eye, and I have almost nothing to show for it.

    As Tyler said, it's about doing what's necessary no matter how I feel about it. I have to go to the gym and practice driving a car and start getting the things I need to move out because it's the right thing to do. If I don't, my recurring nightmare could become a reality. That being said, fear of failure is not my motivation. In fact, fear of failure is what kept me back. No, I am going to the gym daily because even if I don't lose a pound at the end of the week, I'm filled with joy because I know I've done my best and I can look in the mirror and see a person I like. I am slowly becoming somebody who does things in spite of how I feel. Now, when I fall, I don't spend as much time wallowing in my failure. Eventually, I won't be bound by my fears but strengthened by them. When that finally happens, nothing will be able to hold me back from accomplishing my goals.

    12 January, 2011

    Angry about something? Focus on what you're thankful for!

    I don't want to have two negative posts in a row, but that's just how it is.
    I'm just feeling really stifled and upset right now. Stifled because every time I try and write a post, I end up talking about my personal and family life in ways which I feel I should probably keep private. I don't want to upset anybody unnecessarily, but I'm just really frustrated about certain people right now. I'm not eating right. I'm staying up late, and while I do have some positive things to talk about like getting a girl's number at the gym on Monday or lifting more weight than I ever have before or breezing through the extra fifteen minutes I added to my cardio training, I'm still upset. The anger probably fueled my success at the gym, but it's destroying everything else. I want to let it go. The only thing I can think to do is start listing things I'm grateful for right now.
    • Roof over my head
    • Parents who are still married after almost 34 years.
    • An awesome younger brother
    • A best friend who is smarter than me and fun to talk to.
    • Her name is Julia Roberts. No, seriously. No relation to the celebrity though.
    • A five year old cousin who's energy is something to marvel at. He seriously does laps and squats while eating meals. Probably has ADHD, but it's still fun to watch.
    • My readers! Now in the double digits.
    • My 80+ fans on my Facebook fan page! (PLEASE LIKE AND SHARE!)
    • My singing voice.
    • The knowledge that I'm not alone in my struggle, no matter how bad things get.
    • The inspiration I get from people I know succeeding in their weight loss journeys
    • The epiphany that I have spent more time whining about how long it will take to lose the weight rather than actually doing something about it.
    • Living within walking distance of my gym! I'm not where I can walk to and from for a workout yet, but I can't wait until I AM!
    • I still have both of my feet!
    • I have both of my arms too!
    • I am incredibly attractive! Seriously! Look at my pic! Damn! SO HOT!
    • the endless Mercy of a loving God! (I know, that should have been first. That's why I chose bullet points and not numbers!)
    • The day I impulsively decided to try out for Biggest Loser season 8. It's been an incredible adventure with so many amazing people!
    • Friends who stick by me in spite of my BS
    • The low price of membership at my university gym!
    • My awesome personal trainer, Johnny!
    • The people who come up and talk to me while I'm working out! SO AWESOME!
    • Slowly realizing I really DO feel awesome after an exercise and should TOTALLY DO MORE!
    Wow, okay, that did help a little bit! I do feel better after writing what I'm grateful for. I think I learned about that from watching 'The Secret' or some other motivational book, but that really did help!
    If you're upset or scared or worried about something, go grab a sheet of paper or write on your blog a list of all the things you're thankful for!

    08 January, 2011

    2 Weeks Off The Wagon

    I really did try after my last post. And for the most part I was successful. I got very ill all of a sudden come Tuesday, and since then, my stomach and sinuses have been working against me.

    What is it about being sick that makes you want to eat complete crap? I think that's why some 'bad for you' foods are called 'comfort foods.

    Anyway, once Wednesday hit, I spent the Christmas holiday naseous and miserable. It started with chills and I had a temperature spike very briefly. I didn't exercise for the rest of that week, and then, once I wasn't naseous from the stomach flu, I had chest congestion and bad sinus headaches. The gym was closed by then, but this past week, I could have gone if I wanted. I missed yesterday's weigh in. I'm very disappointed in myself.

    If you are now, or ever have been morbidly obese like me, then you know that starting out on this weight loss journey after a few weeks of exercising regularly, that the first thing you really enjoy is looking in the mirror and liking who you see. I hadn't realized it before, but I truly have been miserable. I couldn't love myself, but as the year was ending, I caught a glimpse in the full length mirror in my room, and I realized that I was smiling. I liked who I saw in the mirror. He was still fat, but he looked like he had a future. Since I stopped exercising, I'm starting to feel angry and depressed, and I don't want to feel this way ever again. I'm going to get back on the wagon starting today.